Monday, July 31, 2006


And now... just for fun.....

Let's watch Miranda's world fall to bits for some inane reason!

My god I was a complete and total wreck on Saturday. It started with a huge bawling session in the morning trying to talk some shit through with Jay. Nothing to do with him, about the crap Fungus and I are going through right now. That left me curled up in Jay's lap and having a good sob into his shoulder. Then Julia came in, and was like "what's wrong?" and even though I'm starting to settle down a bit, I can't tell her anything. I'm eternally grateful to Jay's "Just a rainy day" answer, but how can I tell Ryan's mother I'm crying about Ryan? I felt kind of bad for ignoring her, but there are some things I can't tell her, and the fact that I'm teetering on the edge of screaming my lungs out at her son and hurling a few heavy things at his head is not one of them.

The rest of Saturday was more or less a blur, Erin turned 15 and had a party (more on that later) and I actually felt really good for the whole day. Especially because after the party I was going to go see mum and get a whole bunch of curry stuff (again more explanations to come)... at least I THOUGHT I was.

So... Ryan decides all of a sudden he doesn't want to drive me, and I decide all of a sudden I NEED to be anywhere but there, and the only place I want to go is mum's. Enter much whinging and crying and nagging and general disagreement on both sides. (This all started because I had stated clearly TWICE that I wanted to go to mum's when he and Jay started to discuss doing something else that night, and had been deliberatley ignored)

Finally I get out of Ryan that he is feeling hayfever-ish and doens't want to be around mum's cats who he is VERY allergic to. Reasonable enough I guess, although by then I was pretty damned hysterical, still feeling raw from my crying session with Jay, and that was completely unreasonable.

Fungus, being as sweet as he is, patiently tried to explain why he didn't want to go then, and somehow managed to use some wrong words...


Cue instant hysteria, anger and silence directed him. Followed by a fair degree of swearing - once I got over the silence that is.

But fuck... that instant feeling of rejection of what is essentially a part of me, like I'd been hit in the stomach with a demolition ball. Even once I settled down, and realised that he didn't mean that he hated my parents' house, more that he disliked being at my parents' when he is being hyperallergenic and will probably get an asthma attack from the cat fur, the hurt stayed around for ages.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this post anymore... I guess it's showing how naieve I can be. For some reason I'd got it into my head that because I loved and trusted Fungus so much, he wouldn't be able to hurt me (Funny, seeing as you always hurt the ones you love)and the fact that something he'd said had caused me so much hurt and upset (even if it was unfounded) shattered my world. Absolutely.Fucking.Shattered.

It took a good couple of hours before I'd settled down from that. As a result I am still rather worn out today. On the upside, Ryan and I seem to be better than ever, even with Ryan having a horrible and unexplained bout of hayfever that is making him thoroughly miserable, money is not being quite so unhappy this week (fingers crossed) and we may have a BEAUTIFUL bedroom available with his stepsister.

Corrie, Ryan's older stepsister has her own place, which as I mentioned is really gorgeous, and I am very envious of. There's still a spare bedroom there, that Ryan and I are looking at moving into. Now I know I can afford my share, but I am concerned about Fungus only having sporadic work thorough his dad and pizza driving for a friend who runs a pizza shop. I know I can't afford for the both of us but Fungus is so desperate to not live here anymore I'm worried he's not thinking things through properly.

Will need to have a talk about that, especially now that the whole bad mood shit seems to be over at last! (I am expecting relapses also, but things are generally better.)

There's so much I want to post. I haven't really updated about how much I am enjoying work, and how awesome the people there are, and how I think this guy Kyle has a crush on me, because he says nothing and has a goofy all the time I'm downstairs, when I know he's perfectly capable of normal conversation. And my list of injuries that I've obtained at work, I am a very clumsy person.

I also wanted to post about Erin's birthday party, seeing as she says I don't write enough about her, and how I cooked curry tonight. I love cooking curry. (That whole things being a part of me thing)

Gah... although now I'm used to work and its hours now, I should find a chance to update more often seeing as I am less prone to falling into bed and dying as soon as I get home. Though writing around gym sessions after work is tricky too, being as if I'm not dead in bed I'm at the gym THEN dead asleep.

I have a singing lesson tomorrow... at 7pm. That's crap, leaves no space for gym, because it would be like 8.30 by the time we got there and the place closes at 10. I can spend 3 or so hours there very easily. I'm sure it wouldn't be so bad if I spent less time in the spa though...

Anyways I need sleep.


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